Guitar Center stories good and bad

[wedge]

I wrote that. And re-wrote it. Here's the final version:

Jesus and the Devil at Guitar Center

I?m at Guitar Center this afternoon to buy a new set of tubes and there in the accessories section, auditioning some type of super-mega-mondo-distortion pedal, sits a young man in dirty, pale blue denim jeans. He wears tan work boots and a black skull and crossbones T-shirt topped off with a fitted black baseball cap worn backwards, accessorized with a pair of Oakley-style reflective orange bug-eye lens sunglasses perched on his forehead like a second set of eyeballs.

He?s pale and thin and white like a basement ghost. His beard is clipped short and precisely shaved into pencil-thin lines along his jaw line. Dark blue tattoos of some mythical cross between a bat and a reptile crawl up his forearm and disappear into the sleeves of his T-shirt. He looks like the spawn of an unholy?and entirely impractical?marriage between Judas Priest and the Backstreet Boys.

A chrome chain around his neck seems heavy enough to weigh him down and he?s hunched like a question mark over a Washburn Dimebag Darrell signature model guitar?a bright white, devil-horned affair with dual humbuckers, gold hardware and a cheesy lightning bolt paint job. His hands are a blur on the fret board and his shredding becomes my background music as I wait my turn at the counter.

?Chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, screee-screee-screee-chng-chugga-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-chng-chugga-chugga-wahh!?

I ask for a pair of EL34s. The accessories guy disappears into the stock room.

?Chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, screee-screee-screee-chng-chugga-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-chng-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-screeee. Chung-chugga-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-wahh-wahh-chung-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-wahh!!?

I start looking around at the store?s remodel, and it?s a huge improvement. From every vantage point the sight lines are deep and inviting. To my twelve o?clock is a mind-boggling assortment of strings and slides and picks and cables and effects boxes and software. Pro Audio is at my nine and my three o?clock is the cute, skinny 20-something, vaguely gothic Guitar Center greeter chick. My four and five o?clock is guitars and amps galore: PRS, Gibson, Fender, Mesa Boogie, Marshall. Eye candy, everywhere. My six o?clock? Owned by the 20-something tattooed shredder boy. Completely owned.

?CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA, CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA, SCREEE-SCREEE-SCREEE-CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WAHH-WAHH-CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WAHHHHH-WAHH-SCREEEE-SCREEE!!?

I give up and turn 180 degrees to watch him. He?s practically head banging. I wait for him to sprout horns. Instead, he stops, mid-shred, looks at me with an evil grin and says, ?Dude?this pedal is RAD!?

Hold on a second, I think to myself. That pedal isn?t ?rad? at all. That pedal totally sucks.

Over the left shoulder of the reincarnation of Dimebag Darrell appears the accessories salesman, a guy who can exist only in the exact opposite universe of the one inhabited by tattooed shredder boy. This guy, I think to myself, is the un-shredder boy. He looks, in fact, just like Jesus, or at least like every artist?s rendering of Jesus I?ve ever seen. His hair is straight and clean and long and brown, his eyes are clear and bright and his face, even behind a full beard, is smooth and angelic and open. He looks me in the eye and says, ?Sorry to leave you here so long?with that. How about I pay the tax??

That, I think to myself, is exactly what Jesus would do.

Awesome... Great writing... Funny...

[Billiam]

I wrote that. And re-wrote it. Here's the final version:

Jesus and the Devil at Guitar Center

I?m at Guitar Center this afternoon to buy a new set of tubes and there in the accessories section, auditioning some type of super-mega-mondo-distortion pedal, sits a young man in dirty, pale blue denim jeans. He wears tan work boots and a black skull and crossbones T-shirt topped off with a fitted black baseball cap worn backwards, accessorized with a pair of Oakley-style reflective orange bug-eye lens sunglasses perched on his forehead like a second set of eyeballs.

He?s pale and thin and white like a basement ghost. His beard is clipped short and precisely shaved into pencil-thin lines along his jaw line. Dark blue tattoos of some mythical cross between a bat and a reptile crawl up his forearm and disappear into the sleeves of his T-shirt. He looks like the spawn of an unholy?and entirely impractical?marriage between Judas Priest and the Backstreet Boys.

A chrome chain around his neck seems heavy enough to weigh him down and he?s hunched like a question mark over a Washburn Dimebag Darrell signature model guitar?a bright white, devil-horned affair with dual humbuckers, gold hardware and a cheesy lightning bolt paint job. His hands are a blur on the fret board and his shredding becomes my background music as I wait my turn at the counter.

?Chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, screee-screee-screee-chng-chugga-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-chng-chugga-chugga-wahh!?

I ask for a pair of EL34s. The accessories guy disappears into the stock room.

?Chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, chng-chugga-chugga-chugga, screee-screee-screee-chng-chugga-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-chng-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-screeee. Chung-chugga-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-wahh-wahh-chung-chugga-chugga-wahh-wahh-wahh!!?

I start looking around at the store?s remodel, and it?s a huge improvement. From every vantage point the sight lines are deep and inviting. To my twelve o?clock is a mind-boggling assortment of strings and slides and picks and cables and effects boxes and software. Pro Audio is at my nine and my three o?clock is the cute, skinny 20-something, vaguely gothic Guitar Center greeter chick. My four and five o?clock is guitars and amps galore: PRS, Gibson, Fender, Mesa Boogie, Marshall. Eye candy, everywhere. My six o?clock? Owned by the 20-something tattooed shredder boy. Completely owned.

?CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA, CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA, SCREEE-SCREEE-SCREEE-CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WAHH-WAHH-CHNG-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WAHHHHH-WAHH-SCREEEE-SCREEE!!?

I give up and turn 180 degrees to watch him. He?s practically head banging. I wait for him to sprout horns. Instead, he stops, mid-shred, looks at me with an evil grin and says, ?Dude?this pedal is RAD!?

Hold on a second, I think to myself. That pedal isn?t ?rad? at all. That pedal totally sucks.

Over the left shoulder of the reincarnation of Dimebag Darrell appears the accessories salesman, a guy who can exist only in the exact opposite universe of the one inhabited by tattooed shredder boy. This guy, I think to myself, is the un-shredder boy. He looks, in fact, just like Jesus, or at least like every artist?s rendering of Jesus I?ve ever seen. His hair is straight and clean and long and brown, his eyes are clear and bright and his face, even behind a full beard, is smooth and angelic and open. He looks me in the eye and says, ?Sorry to leave you here so long?with that. How about I pay the tax??

That, I think to myself, is exactly what Jesus would do.

Awesome... Great writing... Funny...

Thanks, Wedge!

[RefD]

anyone else get the GC 20% off sale postcard back in November?

it featured a hand with a severed index finger.

[i am monster face]

Seeing someone got real cheap reels of tape at GC, I gave them a call...

"Nobody uses tape anymore. They haven't made it for like, five years."

Guess that shows me...

[wedge]

it featured a hand with a severed index finger.

That *really* creeped me the fuck out, and my roommate, too... The last thing a musician wants is to lose a finger, and there it was, advertising instruments! Talk about bad taste. It was very "Saw". I hope they got tons of complaints. Leave that shit to the theatre, where at least you can choose to see it or not... I don't need that crap popping up into my mailbox, unawares...

[i am monster face]

I haven't seen this 'ad'. does anyone know where I can find it?

[RefD]

I haven't seen this 'ad'. does anyone know where I can find it?

i can shoot it and upload it if you like.

[RefD]

[shedshrine]

I'd say he lost more like 66% off that finger.

[i am monster face]

Not quite sure how that makes any sense.

[RefD]

Not quite sure how that makes any sense.

the "joke" is that the person lost 20% of his fingers on that hand.

i'm certainly not laughing.

[shedshrine]

Not quite sure how that makes any sense.

Alright, I admit i didn't read all the way up to the refd pic. I too had received that catalog. It's a disturbing picture, and an incredibly strange one to use for selling instruments. The only humour I found was the sheer absurdity. At that point you read that it's plugging 20% off. I looked again at the finger separated, 2/3 of it. Made it a percentage. It didn't make sense, so i jumped in to comment. Had I read the "creeped me out" post just prior I would have probably passed. New marketing direction dictated by Bain Capital?

Nice one Billiam

[RefD]

Not quite sure how that makes any sense.

Alright, I admit i didn't read all the way up to the refd pic. I too had received that catalog. It's a disturbing picture, and an incredibly strange one to use for selling instruments. The only humour I found was the sheer absurdity. At that point you read that it's plugging 20% off. I looked again at the finger separated, 2/3 of it. Made it a percentage. It didn't make sense, so i jumped in to comment. Had I read the "creeped me out" post just prior I would have probably passed. New marketing direction dictated by Bain Capital?

Nice one Billiam

i blame the ad house they use.

even if the client (GC) insisted on it, i'd blame the ad house.

this just gives me even more incentive to not buy from GC or Musician's Friend.

[junomat]

Hahaha, don't they still have Chuck Levin's & Atomic Music down there? Ah the good ol' days... Atomic in the late nineties was the best music store ever!

I was in College Park a few weeks ago and I didn't see Atomic there anymore. Did it move?

[GooberNumber9]

Hahaha, don't they still have Chuck Levin's & Atomic Music down there? Ah the good ol' days... Atomic in the late nineties was the best music store ever!

I was in College Park a few weeks ago and I didn't see Atomic there anymore. Did it move?

I've never been to the old location but I understand Atomic moved a couple years ago. I know it's still open because the other guitarist in my band was just there last week.

Todd