Your significant other - the balancing act

[dbeck]

This industry isn't the most family friendly but many make it work. I'm in my late 20's and met a girl when I wasn't so busy. She played a large role in getting me to believe that I can do this as a living. Now I am busy and am beginning to feel the strain. I'm worried she needs too much time and I'm not going to be able to provide that. But of course, it's a compromise no matter what.

I do some work at home which doesn't help. Hard to define work time vs. home time. I really want to focus on my career right now.

Any pointers? Any stories? Did they know you before or after you got into this industry? When did you know your significant other was going to work out with your career? It takes a special someone . .

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the mushy post . . . uh, compression! reverb! tube gear!!! vintage!!!! k i feel better now.

[Gregg Juke]

As with any relationship, trust and communication are the keys. When you're a little older (like, oh, 20 years from now), if you're still together, the "work at home" thing might even be considered a plus by both parties ("Well, at least I'm home and can take a break whenever I want to").

If she is anything like my wife, she wants to be "let in" to your world, so don't be afraid to talk about what's going on (music and audio-wise), at least until you see that perturbed or glazed-over look.

Also, extremely important, try to set limits (on your work time, not your relationship time). Make a "date night" and try to stick to it. My wife likes to know that she is important to me (and now that my wife is getting busier with a lot of her stuff, I feel the same way)-- you have to establish when you will be together, doing whatever, and shut the rest of the world out. Same thing goes for your personal time (when you are alone, and neither working nor relationship-ing).

It does take an extremely special person. Sometimes it helps if both partners are "in the business;" sometimes that just makes things more messy. I was engaged twice before I met my wife, so that makes it a total of three. But when I met her, I knew that I knew, you know what I mean?
If she gets jealous or has a hard time with your work hours, friends, or musicians, that stuff is highly unlikely to change later. Likewise if she tries to cut you with a knife or run you over with a Pontiac, "...because she loves you too much."

GJ

[MoreSpaceEcho]

it's hard. everyone wants to date someone who's doing something cool and interesting with their life and not being a bum sitting in front of the tv. but when that something cool and interesting means you're too busy to hang out, you got problems.

ex ex ms mse and i broke up because of exactly that.

it helps if both people in the relationship are equally busy. if one person has tons of free time and the other doesn't, it's likely not gonna work.

ex ms mse was a doctor. obvs she was busy. when we were together it worked out great because we gave each other space and understood if either of us couldn't hang out on any given night. as a doc, she never really knew when exactly her days would end, and she thought it was amazing that i never complained when she'd get home at 9 after saying she'd be home at 6. i thought it was nuts that anyone dating a doctor would complain about that. it's part of their gig, you deal with it.

she ended up breaking my heart but i won't bore you with that sob story.

i do think that not being able to spend tons of time together can actually be a good thing, because it makes you really appreciate the times you ARE together. absence/fonder/familiarity/contempt and all that.

i don't actually have any advice. sorry!

[CurtZHP]

It's discussions like this that remind me how blessed I am to have the wife I have.

I was into music and recording when we met, and she was on board from day one. My previous girlfriend did not have a lot of patience for it. At times it even seemed like utter contempt.

Over twenty years and three kids later, she still supports everything I do, including the calls in the middle of the night to drive an hour to fix a grumpy automation system, and even picking up extra work on the side which may have me spending an evening or two away from home.

She understands that, as a man, I happen to gain a significant chunk of my identity from what I do for a living. I'm not saying that's good or bad; it's just the way it is. She also knows I'm one of those rare birds (like a lot of guys here) who gets to earn a decent living doing what he loves.

My kids are also blessed because I know of no other woman who LOVES being a mom like she does. She looks at it like her one true calling.

So where am I going with this brag-fest?

I guess I'm trying to say that it is of paramount importance that whoever you're with understands what you do, and why you do it, and respects it. I've seen way too many guys in music and recording whose girlfriends or wives essentially made them choose her or the craft. That's a false choice, and one that someone who truly loves you will not force you to make.

Do I make time for my wife? Yes, but it's not like a regular "date night," which is fine, because sometimes our schedules don't match up perfectly. Sometimes it's just as simple as spending an hour watching TV with my arm around her, listening to her talk about "kid" stuff.

I guess if I had any advice, it's to put all your cards on the table with her. Let her know this is what you do. Let her know you're committed to the relationship as well. If she's committed too, she'll understand.

If she doesn't, there's someone out there who will.

[nick_a]

I agree with the dudes above. It can be very difficult at times, especially when the person you're with has an opposite schedule/has more free time/doesn't end up traveling for work as much/whatever. I, like curtzhp, happened to meet my "domestic partner" right about the time i was getting into this world, so she's understood all along. And communication has really helped. It's nice to feel like i can come home after a particularly tough stretch of days in the studio and be able to vent just like she feels comfortable doing that after a shitty week at her job. But we do have a predetermined night that we spend together, regardless of how busy we both are. If for whatever reason one of us can't do it, we reschedule. She is super cool about things like this and i feel very lucky. If this girl you are with convinced you to dive in head first, then you must believe that she wants only the best for you, and wants you to succeed in your line of work. So, believe in yourself. Strive for balance in your life. Communicate, make sure she knows how much you appreciate her awesome support, and do whatever you can to return the favor.

[thethingwiththestuff]

it helps if both people in the relationship are equally busy. if one person has tons of free time and the other doesn't, it's likely not gonna work.

sigh. ::looks around at big, newly half-empty room, lights bowl::

i was the busy one. she hadn't worked in a year.

[Gentleman Jim]

Chances are that anybody involved with audio, video, or film won't be on a straight 9-5 schedule that's dependable. (Just working anecdotal statistics here; if that describes you, congratulations.)

So if your mate requires someone who is going to be available every weekend to go to family functions, or to be home for a sit-down dinner every night, then you two just might not be right for each other. Have a nice time, go out on dates, but don't get too serious, because you're only setting each other up for misery and heartache.

But dbeck, you didn't say any of that. By your post, you seem to be suffering a guilty conscience about what you think she thinks. Or, even more to the point, you seem to be worrying about how she might feel in the future, based on a number of assumptions. That's two huge things, (the future and her feelings), you can't control wrapped into one pointless mountain of worry.

In time, your guilt may morph into defensiveness, which will metastasize into resentment if you're anything like me. Next thing you know, you're picking fights with her because you feel bad about something she's perfectly ok with. Trust me, the moment my wife finally cracked the code and pointed that out to me was one of the lowest points in my marriage, but within 10 minutes we were on our way to being closer and happier than we ever had been before. It was like a weight was just lifted off of both of our shoulders, and suddenly everything between us was amazing.

So here's my advice: Talk to her, and be 100% honest about your guilty feelings, your worry, and your insecurities around all of this. Hopefully she'll guide you accordingly for now, and you can check in with her every 6 months or so to make sure everything's cool.

[MoreSpaceEcho]

sigh. ::looks around at big, newly half-empty room, lights bowl::

ah shit man, really sorry to hear that. sucks. go easy on the bowls, a little will help but a lot very definitely will not. trust me.

how long were you together? did she split or did you tell her she had to go? you don't have to answer of course, or we can take it to PM if you'd rather.

[CedarSound]

Being with the right person makes all the difference, in my experience.

I have dated girls in the past that loved the idea of being in a relationship with a music guy, until they actually got into the relationship and had to deal with me being out at gigs or spending time in the studio instead of with them...

I am a bit older, and so is my fiance, but when we purchased our house together it was as much as a priority for her as for me to find a place I could set up a studio, after years of apartment dwelling.

I couldn't imagine being with someone who thinks that they have to compete with what I live for... other women have lost that battle pretty quickly...

Yeah, it took a long time to find her, but totally worth it. Like previously mentioned, if your not with the right person for you, keep looking because they are out there somewhere.

That said, there are always compromises in a relationship...

[thethingwiththestuff]

TMI!!!

[ott0bot]

The gossip is kinda syrupy today.

just joshing.

anyway.....it's a hard balance to acheive. All I can say, is that my wife is pushing me really hard to get my home studio built and get a beyond the part-time hobbyist state of things. Mostly because she wants me to be happy, partly cause she's hoping I mix a platinum record and she can be a housewife and do yoga all day. Either way, I'm lucky to have someone so supportive. She mostly gets annoyed with me for not sticking to a schedule, and kinda doing things last minute. Gotta make time to be with her, and I can't neglect my household responsibilities, otherwise it's only my fault if I'm not productive.

[thethingwiththestuff]

heh... yeah, trying not to get too emo about it here!

but like, at this point, i make a living, i get how to use reverb, i know what kind of compressors i want, and i make networking connections on the regular. what i want to know is how the fuck other engineers handle normal, every day life!

[dbeck]

Gentleman Jim, you made a good point about guilt. I don't think it's quite for the same reasons but there is some guilt. I feel guilty for wanting to work so much. Now, it's like I almost prefer working rather than spending time with her. I don't know what that's a sign of. I'm certainly happy to be doing something I love. I think I'm starting to resent the little things that take me away from that. And I am defensive about it. Thanks for that idea Jim.

I appreciate everyone's comments. We've talked about setting aside a specific time to spend together. That seems to be a common theme here.

[MoreSpaceEcho]

Now, it's like I almost prefer working rather than spending time with her. I don't know what that's a sign of.

impending doom.

[Gentleman Jim]

Now, it's like I almost prefer working rather than spending time with her. I don't know what that's a sign of.

impending doom.

Meh. I've had that kind of feeling come and go, and so has my wife. We're 5 weeks from our 11th wedding anniversary.

In my opinion, if every moment of a relationship has to be like a rom-com musical montage, that's the sign of impending doom.