Finding your voice (and sticking with it)

[ThePitz]

So... Lurker here for two months or so... THIS is the post that got me to actually sign up... (this ended up being a looong first post - I hope some of it is reasonably useful)

The reason being is because your story and situation are so extremely close to my own experiences that I could have written it myself.

I went to college for jazz performance (guitar) and came out of it more or less hating music. Generally 'hating' something means that you would be inclined to stay away from it - but I, like you, feel this compulsion to create the stuff and feel guilty every second that I'm not doing so.

As far as that goes, in my experience - you're burned. I have not been able to get away from it. I have had a handful of jobs that I thoroughly enjoyed but was never able to relegate the making of music to a simple 'hobby.'

As far as the procrastination aspect of it goes - I've found that you need to treat it like a job. The fact of the matter is that it is an EASY job. For a looooong time (and often still, when I am in a particularly cloudy and and unfocussed way,) I found myself saying "I'm going to practice first thing tomorrow," only to wake up and surf the internet for a few hours - go eat some food somewhere, and then go out on the town or go to work or just watch tv or WHATEVER.

The best way I have found to get around this is just FORCE yourself to sit down with a guitar (if that's what you play) for five minutes. Even when I feel like I REALLY don't want to practice or whatever - if I sit down and noodle for five minutes I end up getting as caught up in that as I get surfing the internet - it's just a LITTLE bit more difficult to initiate.

Another thing that's really key in this situation is always have small goals that are entirely uncreative (scales, chords, tunes to learn) and small goals that are entirely creative (writing a song, writing a solo, learning a new instrument even.) If you find yourself sitting down and feeling entirely uncreative - then pursue the technical stuff as if it were studying for a class or something. If you sit down and there is a song bursting at the seems - then F*CK the technical stuff and write a song. This way - you're not waiting for creativity to sit down at your instrument in the first place. More often than not - learning a new TECHNICAL thing will spark an idea in your head - and if it doesn't, then at least you'll be more technically proficient when you DO have an idea, which leads to a quicker head-to-fingers transition.

As far as the melding of influences.... I suffer the same affliction as you in that - I want to be Brad Mehldau meets Daniel Johnston. (Daniel Johnston anyone? He is the songwriter's songwriter. He's also the antithesis of a recording engineer - so maybe not so much love around these parts.)

The Mehldau in me has me practicing sight reading every day for twenty minutes or so. I've never had a gig that needed me to sight read - but I feel I need to be competent in that arena if only to 'hang' with 'real' musicians. The Johnston in me has me trying to convey as much raw emotion in as few lyrics and chords as possible. As far as melding the two together... It is strange and wobbly territory to be sure. Here is what has helped me:

First of all: The reason I am a singer/songwriter these days and NOT a jazz guitar player is because of 'February Album Writing Month.' Check it out. www.fawm.org The goal of this site is for people to write and record 14 songs in the month of February. This works out to one song every-other day. The community is filled with songwriters and people of all technical levels and everyone listens to everyone else's music and comments and critiques and is inspired and humbled by it all at once. It's an orgy of songwriting and recording and it is great. It is also serves as a motivator to just sit down for one month and write a bunch of songs. Nobody cares how good or long they are... or if they are well performed or recorded. Everyone understands you wrote it and recorded it in a day. What happens, though, is you realize that the work you are doing is pretty good considering the time constraints and - you HANDS DOWN improve as a songwriter/musician/recordist by the end of the month.

That website and community opened my eyes to the power of just freaking DOING it without censoring yourself. It's also a great way to get over any performance anxiety as you can be as anonymous as you want with your identity. Nobody ever has to know it was you - but once you start getting good feedback - you find yourself wanting more and more and more people to know it was YOU.

The way this applies to the merging of influences...... In the past two and a half years or so- I have done two FAWMs and a handful of other projects... I have probably written about fifty or sixty songs (all sparked by the experience of my first FAWM, mind you.) For FAWM specifically - I find myself trying to write in different genres - some of which are serious and some of which are a bit tongue-in-cheeky. What I have realized is I always SOUND like me. No matter if i'm trying to sound like Prince or Tom Waits - it ALWAYS sounds like me.

What I'm trying to get it is that - you will always sound like you. And you will always carry your influences - be they on your sleeve or tucked away in your backpack. And the more and more music you make, the more and more you will sound like you. And then the more and more songs you have - the more and more you will understand what your strengths and weaknesses are. And the more you write - the more you'll be able to write to your strengths and strengthen your weaknesses. You mention Wilco, one of my favorite favorite favorite bands. They didn't start out sounding like they do now. Jeff Tweedy started out in Uncle Tupelo - which was essentially depression-era folk with electric guitars... He has, over the course of more than twenty years, fused more 'avant' sounds and interesting chord progressions and complex guitar solos (courtesy of Nels Cline) into his music - but he started with cowboy chords and worked from there.

As far as not enjoying new music and being blown away by concerts. I think that is fairly common with artists that really care about music. And a refined taste makes it REALLY hard to create anything that holds up to it. I would suggest, maybe, discontinuing the scouring for more new music and sitting down with some tried and true favorites of yours with a drink or some weed or a pill... (or all three? or none?) and just listening and ENJOYING. I think a lot of people, these days, don't JUST LISTEN to music without web-browsing, or talking to people or whatever... It's a powerful experience.

Also. I meditate. Specifically 'mindfulness.' This has nothing to do with any sort of religion and everything to do with gaining a greater control of the entirely unruly and unpredictable machine that is your brain. If anything - it's good to be able to clear your head and refocus your thoughts every once in awhile. When you really think about what is REALLY important - you realize that it's a damn short list. This helps take a lot of the stress of the desire to 'be good' and lets you breathe and 'just be.'

Ok - i'm getting sleepy. I'll admit that I had just gotten back from the bars when I started in on this and I'm now not long for the conscious world. I hope some of this made some sense and these weren't just self-indulgent ramblings of a drunken man.

I will say that despite all of the advice and anecdotes I have to offer on this subject - I am in no way immune to the 'blahs' that you are afflicted with. On a good day - I'll remember that I just have to do SOMETHING and i'll feel ten times better than if I didn't. On a bad day - I do nothing and then get drunk.

I sincerely hope SOME of this was useful to ya.

-pitz

(P.S. Hi TapeOp.)

[Professor T]

Man, I could have written that original post there.

Effortless Mastery by Kenny Werner. Read the book or watch the dvd. It specifically deals with the "tomorrow I'm going to practice" mentality and the "I'm not good enough" stuff. It really helped me. Thanks for the reminder that I should stop taking music so seriously.

[mjau]

Great first post, pitz. Welcome to the board.

[;ivlunsdystf]

Many of us do like Daniel Johnston BTW.

[Artifex]

But not me.

[;ivlunsdystf]

Yeah, well I don't like Wilco much. Too mopey. Loose Fur I like. Even?

[sad iron]

Save yourself the copay with your therapist.

Get the classic, if somewhat hokey, book to solve for blocked artists. I have seen it work for a lot of people, and it has helped me as well.

Artists' Way by Julia Cameron

Yes! I'm not one for self-help books, or therapy, or anything else that involves someone telling me how to do me, but when i was stuck in a place similar to the OP's (but much different in the details) I got this book and it pulled me out and set me on the path I've been on for the last 7 or so years. Here was the deal: my band of 6 years had run its course, along with my vision for my life as a musician. I felt lost. I knew there was art in me and I knew it could be worthwhile, but I was so wrapped up in all the external stuff that I was trapped so far away from the why of my doing it that I felt hopeless. The Artist's Way helped me immensely. I did the morning pages for almost 6 years and only stopped when my teaching schedule had me up way too early to be able to do them, but by that time I was on my way. In the ensuing years I have got to the Iowa Writer's Workshop, have written a novel, a book of stories, 3 or 4 albums worth of songs, and I have notes on many, many more projects. The Artist's Way can help you. It really helped me.

Here something I want to throw out there: I am reading a lot in these posts about setting goals, making deadlines, etc., etc. and in my experience, those are techniques, but they are not solutions to the larger problem. Here's what I have learned about the making of art, both from personal experience and from observing other very talented people: A lot of people are talented, but not a lot of people are successful with that talent. And I don't mean famous successful, but successful like they get things done. Why is that? There are a lot of reasons, but the commonality I've found among those who do get things done is that, in the core of who they are, the art is what they do, what they are made of and regardless of what is going on in their lives at any given point, they are driven to make art. No plan can make you driven. I think this is something you need to think about. Maybe it will help you get out of your own way (which is what I think is happening to you).

My final piece of concrete advice: Do something, everyday, for one minute a day, no matter what. Sometimes that minute will be a minute. Sometimes it will be hours, but give yourself permission to work that one minute. Who cares about influences, or what you think you want to do on any given day, or what box it might fit into if you ever get it done. Just do it. Every day, do something and you'll be surprised. I work every day. I write every day. I think about writing every day. Free yourself from the tyranny of the product and think about what you can do today. And then do the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. Etc, etc.

I hope this helps you. Good luck.

[Brett Siler]

Many of us do like Daniel Johnston BTW.

Hell yea!

Lost of great posts and helpful suggestions. So here is my 2 cents

1. You are burnt. Take a break!! Take at least a month off if not more. Don't touch an instrument, hell don't even listen to any albums you own and don't buy any new ones. Stay away from music!!

Now that you took a break you may feel an urge to play or listen to music again.

Talk to people that have similiar music interests and get those creative juices flowing. Let them excite you and help you wanna create.

So you have a wide range of influences. Write your piece with a theme in mind. This helps sooo much. That way you have somewhere to start from not just a totally blank page.

Great suggestion about not judging. Dude, just relax. Music is fun thats why we got into this in the first place! Music is a form of communication. I hope you aren't this neurotic about just talking. Think of music like talking, this is what you have to say. Don't worry if your music is as complex as King Crimson, or the hook isn't as infectious as the Pixies, or your lyrics aren't like Jim Morrison, just fucking make some music and eventally something cool will happen. Don't torture yourself, be playful have fun write and record a song in an hour. Take a whole day and write one song every hour of the day!

Relax, have fun, don't psych yourself out. I think the mentioning about meditation was great and I would highly suggest it.

[CraigS63]

I would recommend doing the RPM Challenge, it's along the same lines as some of the previous posts here. And why am I still at the computer tonight....

[firby]

Hi.

I have not read either of those books and I will grab that one.

My way has just been to bull through the process.

I had a really bad health scare just a couple of years ago. Completely out of the blue I am in a hospital bed in ICU. There was a young doctor there. Younger than I am. He told me the news and at the time it was not good. Then he started crying. Then after they finally got me to sleep via morphine ... I briefly saw God in a dream.

So that's been my motivation. I have good days, bad days but I work everyday. When I don't have inspiration, I still work. I either work on some part of an older project or I create something new or I work within a constraint or try out something utterly new. Sometimes I steal something from somewhere else and recontextualise it as my own. Whatever. Everyday I work on something and they get better. I am at 96-97 songs/pieces in my bin and now I know more about what I did not know then.

Listen a carpenter can be an artist but you don't see them wandering what to do.

Also, this. Your first pieces will hopefully not be the best work you ever produce. Get over yourself.

This is the test brother. Right now. This is what artists have to deal with. And after you get past this... there will be more things to test you. My experience has been that I am never fully comfortable in my process or my skills or whatever.

The best advice I have read to date came from Kurt Vonnegut, who coincidentally did some great work in Iowa City, anyways he wrote that he "simply becomes" whatever he needs to be to do the task at hand.

Regards.

[ThePitz]

Loose Fur is cool. Jim O'Rourke's production of Joanna Newsom's "Ys" is better.

I've never read "The Artists Way," but I have read Effortless Mastery three or four times now. I feel like all of us know these things - we just need to hear them said in different ways and at different (multiple) times in our lives for them to make an impact.

@Firby - if Vonnegut offers insight to creativity - you'd be a fool not to listen. I'd never read that about him - but it makes perfect sense. I want to compose the way that man writes. (edit: Wrote, sadly.)

@alex - I'm interested in how the first session went and if you got any advice that really stuck with ya. I know those things can get quite personal and whatnot - but again - your original post hit really close to home with me and I find myself struggling with these same issues almost cyclically in varying shades and strengths.

-pitz

[MoreSpaceEcho]

The best way I have found to get around this is just FORCE yourself to sit down with a guitar (if that's what you play) for five minutes. Even when I feel like I REALLY don't want to practice or whatever - if I sit down and noodle for five minutes I end up getting as caught up in that as I get surfing the internet - it's just a LITTLE bit more difficult to initiate.

i was gonna write exactly that. i find that once i sit down and start doing whatever, i almost always end up doing it for hours. sitting down in the first place is the only hard part. but i find if you get in the habit of working on stuff, it becomes kind of self-sustaining, you just naturally end up focusing your attention there, rather than on surfing the net or watching reruns or whatever.

lots of good advice from everyone...i'm having a hard time thinking of anything worthwhile to add...i think if you're committed to the idea of doing everything yourself (a perfectly good idea), realize that that means you're taking on the work of like a half dozen people. and that's a lot of work. so don't get discouraged if the process isn't always as immediate as you'd like it to be.

one approach i'd suggest is just forcing yourself to record a whole song in one day. it doesn't have to be the greatest thing ever, the goal is just to have something that sounds like a finished song at the end of the day.

figure out a way to set up the recording so you can go from one instrument to the next with a minimum of fuss. and then just get to it. anytime i've done this, all i had at the beginning was the guitar part. i'd record that to a click, sit down at the drums, give myself 20 minutes to come up with a part, record a take, move on to bass, etc. this is good because it forces you to come up with parts fast, work within the limitations of your ability on any given instrument, and wear a bunch of different hats in quick succession, which keeps the energy up and the ideas flowing. keep your focus more on the playing and writing end of things, and don't worry about the engineering so much, BUT at the same time, pay enough attention to the mics and levels so you're getting useable sounds. do this a couple times a week and in a month you have a record.

[lapsteel]

It seems like you might be burnt out. Maybe taking time away from music will do some good. Play when you want even if that only happens to total 5 minutes in a day or 2 days or week. While taking time away do something you enjoy that isn't music related (e.g. hiking, fishing, movies, video games).

Sometimes staying motivated isn't easy, but cutting out the distractions and sitting down is the hardest part. I like sitting down with a notebook and free writing with no particular goal. It helps to take out the trash.

All songwriter's write differently. Some wait for inspiration to come, while others sit down and meticulously write. Read the book, Songwriter's on Songwriting.

One last note:
You can always do different albums in different styles.

[Judas Jetski]

Definitely a big +1 on The Artist's Way. Wait... I can do it...

+1
The Artist's Way

Ahhh... there it is. I wrote morning pages for years, and noticed a marked improvement in my ability to do anything. Cameron (the author) has you (the reader) write three pages every day, even if all you're doing is writing the same thing over and over again. Just to get you used to doing. I think her main principle is basically that the ideal one holds in their mind will always make the reality seem inadequate. You have to get used to this effect or it'll undercut your ability to function.

I always had one of those minds that would go in 50 directions with any idea. Any one direction I went in seemed stupid compared to the 49 other ideas of where I could go. But the thing is, those 49 other ideas only have strength in numbers. Because a person can only really develop with one idea at a time (sort of). When I started forcing myself to follow an idea through to some sort of completion I began to see how oppressive my thought process was. Anything's going to seem lame compared to the perfect, shining ideal I hold in my head. But a perfect, shining ideal that only exists in my head is completely useless to anyone but me.

I have an insanely talented friend who is also one of the most creatively blocked people I know. He set out to record a song idea one day just because he knew he had to do it, or it would never exist at all. One day a CD-R arrived in the mail on my doorstep. Written on the CD-R was the working title of the song: "That Which Sucks Only Marginally Less than If It Did Not Exist." I don't think it sucks at all, and I'd be happy to release something that sounded that good... but that's not the point. The point is that he's right with the title. Until he recorded the song, it totally sucked--because it didn't exist. It was only in his weirdly talented head. Once it hit my ears, all of that changed, and the world's a marginally different place as a result.

When I was a wanna-be musician, I always thought the music I made would be like King Crimson meets Yes... all arty and melodic, trippy and dreamy. Once I started actually playing, I thought I would be all atonal, screamy and indie-rock-ish. As it turns out, when I'm at my most musically honest I'm somewhere between punk rock, rockabilly, and crude folk. It's nothing like what I would have anticipated, but I love it because it's what's actually in me, not what I think is in me.

And again, when I was a wanna-be recordist, I thought I'd be making strange sounding recordings with lots of weird artifacts from the unusual processes my lack of funding and formal education would force me to develop. As it turns out, I almost always hate those artifacts and the recordings I produce tend to be very clean and precise (at least considering the gear I'm using & my technical limitations). What I thought was in me seemed great at the time, but what I actually produce is so much better. But to get there I had to make some painful moves. I can hardly bear to listen to some of my earlier recordings, even though now I realize that they're really not bad at all. They're just part of a painful process where I had to realize that my reality does not match my ideal... and once again, reality is better. It's just not what I thought I wanted.

One thing to look into (other people have mentioned this) is ADD. I found a newspaper article a few years back about adult ADD and the symptoms (which matched my life completely) included depression and extreme frustration. People with ADD tend to be adaptable and resilient, which makes us good at compensating for our "weakness" (which is really more of a strength, in my experience, but one which comes at a price). But we spend so much time compensating, and rearranging our worlds to match our strengths and liabilities, that an enormous amount of energy is lost. It really might be worth looking into the whole ADD thing.

... and as far as ADD goes, don't forget that one of the most prominent features of ADD is hyper-focus--a person with ADD will be able to focus on what they think is most important to the exclusion of almost everything else... not a trait that one would expect to associate with something called "Attention Deficit Disorder." But (in my experience anyway) it's an absolute hallmark of ADD. This may or may not be relevant to the situation at hand. I just mention it because the hyper-focus aspect of ADD makes it easy to misdiagnose ADD (especially in adults).

[Artifex]

Yeah, well I don't like Wilco much. Too mopey. Loose Fur I like. Even?

Funny...that's the same reason I don't like Johnston...

Actually, I was just teasing. I don't really mind him.

And Loose Fur is great!