really sexist women jokes

[Girl Toes]

I need some really sexist women jokes to hang in the bath room. And Imean, stuff we would find very funny on this board, but you know it would make girls mad. I am going to print some out and hang them in my bathroom.

[psychicoctopus]

leaving a Hustler on top of the toilet might do the trick.

[wing]

what do you say a girl with two black eyes?
nothing, you dun told her twice!

[wing]

Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is required.

Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men

Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching "The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce

Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park

Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10 Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)

[Mr. Dipity]

(from my sister)
Why don't women wear watches?

























Because there's a clock over the stove.

[wing]

How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Ivon]

Randomly insert the following dialogue into a casual conversation with a woman...it will really impress them.



You: You're never going to believe this, but I saved a girl from getting raped the other night.

Chick: What, no way?! HOW???!






You: I stopped following her.





Chicks love this kinda stuff. It will truly strengthen the building blocks of your relationship.

[seeabove]

How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. The bitch can cook in the dark.

But the best one follows some rad Helen Keller jokes. To wit:

What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy.

How did Helen Keller go deaf?
She answered the iron.

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

[Isolation]

don't forget why helen keller's leg was yellow...


her dog was blind too...

[ottokbre]

what do toilets, birthdays and clits all have in common?























men always miss them....

another:

what is white and ten inches long?

















.....um, nothing actually....

[tiger vomitt]

wing, that rules

all of it

[swingdoc]

One of my favorites...

Definition of a woman?








A: life support system for a vagina

[wing]

Oh, I forgot one of my favorites!

Why don't women need a driver's license?
Because there's no road from the bedroom to the kitchen.